There can be numerous reasons that the universe is tugging on my ovaries, giving me cause to stop and think about bringing a baby into my current living situation. One of which is the desire to finish off my little nuclear family, well, modern-nuclear family. Capricorn and I both have had our starter marriages, both ended in divorce, his casualty was a son, mine was a dog. We now live together with his oldest son and one could leave it at that, especially when your boyfriend has 3 sons total and 3 baby mommas to match, why add to the brood?
But I think, as a human, it is instinctual for me to want to pass on my own DNA, that reason also puts thoughts into my subconscious while watching "A Baby Story" on TLC rubbing my big belly due to an issue I am having with being overweight and nothing to do with carrying a baby in my uterus for 9 months. I am about the size of a woman who is preggers, I'd say I'm about 6 months, which causes me to stop and stare at myself in the mirror, filling my belly with air so that it appears more round like a pregnant belly and not like the sides of two doughnuts trying to fight for space in my pants. It's fun to imagine it, without the swollen feet, hemorrhoids, and the list of other horrific things that will happen to my body while carrying a parasite in my belly for months.
I also blame my phantom pregnancy for the fat I have recently gained (about 40 pounds of it). You found the man of your dreams and your body does what it is supposed to do to bear his children so it gets ready for that function by adding a few pounds. It does right? I mean, it has nothing to do with eating pints of ice cream and munching on Oreo cookies in the middle of the night, right?
One could say I am getting older and maybe starting to realize my own mortality? I found a man that I love and instinct has taken over, the desire to breed and pass on my seed. You get older every day and start to think about death but you look into a baby's eyes and can see immortality, who doesn't want to feel like, in some way, they can live forever?
I watch these shows and they only show the happy moments, I do realize that. But that brings yet another theory, I have this concept, this mental notion of what I THINK having a baby will be like. I have thought so much about it that I have some of the details worked out already in my head. The sex of the baby (a girl, he has all boys so I'd like to see this miracle), the name (Stella, it came to me in a dream), the fact that Capricorn will get up most of the time at night so I can sleep (because he is awesome and I like sleep and if he ever wants to get it again he'll let me rest, yes, in this imaginary world he and I still have sex after we have a baby), I feel lucky that he has had three other babies already because I can pretend I can't get the diaper changing thing down and he'll do it most of the time, I also feel lucky because he has experience and will talk me off the ledge every time I think something is wrong with the baby and want to go directly to the E.R., Capricorn's son will be fabulous with his little sister (he is old enough to take care of her as well – he's a built-in babysitter who really loves helping out – yay!), I would like to live closer to my family so that my mom and my sister can watch the baby and we can visit my other sister and her 2 kids (her 2 kids are coddled way too much and are total brats, mine won't be like that of course). Beyond that, I don't see anything else, like what she'll look like or what she'll be when she gets older besides still living in my house. I'm not sure how we'll raise her or what she'll like and dislike.
I do, however, try to draw on my experiences from being around my sister's children and I know that my favorite past time, sleep, will be lacking for a few years and sometimes, no matter how hard you try to stop it, they are going to pitch a total screaming bitch fit, they'll also get sick a lot, I am specifically scared of ear infections and teething for some reason.
And that's IF the baby comes out healthy and "normal."
As my youngest sister likes to remind me because she works with "special needs" kids, "you are getting older, you really need to start considering the fact that you are statistically more likely to have a child with special needs, I mean, I'm just saying." WTF?! I am 32, and every day that ticks by I think about the possible genetic mutations my body is creating as I put pregnancy off again and again. My little baby girl may turn out to be the elephant man because I decided to procreate later in life. Could that be the reason not to? Of course not, because narcissism takes over and I think, like so many others out there have, "it won't happen to me." AND if it does, my sister would be amazing at raising it so I'll have plenty of help from her since she has experience in the subject matter.
Another rationalization, I have been told by numerous parents that you can never really prepare financially for a baby, if you keep waiting, you'll never do it. I moved out of my mother's house at age 31 and barely have anything in savings or in a 401K, how can I have a baby by now? But the pressure is still there even after I look at my bank balance (or lack thereof). So then SHOULDN'T I have a baby so I have someone to take care of me when I am old? That is, of course, if we are still talking and she doesn't hate me during her teen years.
That brings me to the next issue, I have also seen from observing other families is that, sometimes, the emotional investment I put into this child, isn't met with the return I may expect. She could grow up to be a total loser, she could get into the terrible teen years where she has this hatred for me and never grows out of it, she could hurt others around her and end up in jail or on drugs. This scares me tremendously because I have seen plenty of parents who seem to have done all of the right things and yet, their offspring made all of the wrong choices. The best laid plans often go awry I guess you could say.
Up until this point, I have been narcissistic enough and, I like to think, more educated when it came to procreation. I don't need a child to fulfill some socialized need for a family. I am a creative person, I write, I draw, I paint, I hike, I fill my life with so many things that are rewarding and meaningful that I don't need children. I know, harsh right? But it's my reality. I don't sit around waiting for my life to finally have that missing piece to be happy, I am happy, I like who I am now as a person, and I don't think I need to add the title of "mom" to complete me.
So there you have it. I don't see the need and yet I still have the irrational desire. I am going to have to take up a few more hobbies because it seems maybe I have too much time on my hands as I am watching all of these baby shows. I think I have to let them go and do something else for that hour every day before my nap. I am hoping that "biological clock" everyone talks about has batteries in the back I can rip out because I am not sure I am ready just yet. Will I ever be? My God is anyone really ever ready?
